My wife and I have known each other since
high school, but didn’t date until much later. We had only dated a couple of
weeks before we realized that we were madly in love and wanted to get married.
I was all for it! I even suggested a
spontaneous, immediate wedding in Vegas. (Seriously.) Kim, however, was a bit
more practical about the whole thing. She wanted to take time to plan it all
out.
I felt deflated. “We’re so different,” I
said. “You like to plan, while I like to be spontaneous.”
Kim’s eyes widened. “I can be spontaneous!”
she said, hurriedly. “I can totally be spontaneous. You just have to tell me in
advance when you want to be spontaneous, and I will write it down in my
planner…”
I gave her a strange look. She was totally
serious! Clearly, Kim did not understand the meaning of spontaneity.
Funny as it may seem, the more I think about
this conversation the more I’ve come to realize that planning to love
someone—or choosing to love someone—is actually one of the most beautiful
things about love.
I’ve heard it said that real love is an
unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
It’s true.
When all the butterflies have fluttered away
and your wedding day becomes a distant memory, you will discover that you’ve
married someone who is just as imperfect as you. And they, in turn, will come
to learn that you have problems, insecurities, struggles, quirks—and body
odor—just as real as theirs!
Then you will realize that real love isn’t
just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice—a plan to love
each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in
health. Of course, you don’t choose who you’re attracted to, but you definitely
choose who you fall in love with and (more importantly) who you stayin love
with.
Our society places a lot of emphasis on
feelings. We are taught that we should always follow our feelings and do
whatever makes us happy. But feelings are very fickle and fleeting. Real love,
on the other hand, is like the north star in the storms of life; it is constant,
sure, and true. Whenever we’re lost and confused we can find strength in the
love that we have chosen.
Besides, life already offers us plenty of
spontaneity: rejection, job loss, heartache, disappointment, despair, illness,
and a host of other problems. We simply can’t abandon ship every time we
encounter a storm in our marriage. Real love is about weathering the storms of
life together.
When my grandma was in her fifties, she was
diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, a degenerative disease that disrupts the
body’s ability to communicate with its nervous system. Within a few short
years, Grandma had lost the ability to walk and was confined to a wheelchair.
Grandpa, who was then the chief of police, retired two years earlier than
planned in order to take care of Grandma. He helped her do everything—from
getting around the house and visiting the doctor, to helping her take her
medicine and bathe.
In speaking about my grandma, Grandpa once
told my mom, “It hurts me to see her like this. You know, when I got married I
thought that everything would be smooth sailing. I never imagined that I would
have to help her change her catheter every day. But I do it and I don’t mind
it—because I love her.”
Love is so much more than some random,
euphoric feeling. And real love isn’t always fluffy, cute, and cuddly. More
often than not, real love has its sleeves rolled up, dirt and grime smeared on
its arms, and sweat dripping down its forehead. Real love asks us to do hard
things—to forgive one another, to support each other’s dreams, to comfort in
times of grief, or to care for family. Real love isn’t easy—and it’s nothing
like the wedding day—but it’s far more meaningful and wonderful.
I recently came across this wonderful quote:
“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by
chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by
choice.”
Whenever my wife and I run into a problem in
our marriage we do our best to choose love. While we’re certainly not perfect,
the love we share today is more real and more wonderful than anything we had
ever anticipated.
So, whatever spontaneous storm may come our
way I plan on loving my wife.
If you truly love someone (and they truly
love you), commit to that love and plan on it being hard work.
But also plan on it being the most rewarding
work of your life.
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